Friday, August 14, 2009

How it feels not needing a distraction, but desperately looking for one.

I have decided that the words "ready," "prepared," and the like are simply not applicable to me.
I always imagine that I'm ready for something, I'm ready to be gone, I'm ready to be in love, I'm ready to make huge choices, I'm prepared for this.
Suddenly, my head and heart are spinning around like juggling balls in someone's hands, stable for two seconds as they land safely in the palm of his hand, then flying in the air again, afraid I'm going to hit the floor (or worse, never come down at all). Suddenly, I'm leaving in six weeks. Suddenly, silence.
And I am so not ready.
We always imagine ourselves to be sure of things until they occur. But nothing is ever the way you imagine it to be. Anything subject to human emotion immediately is out of control.
I am out of control.
Catch me.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Inspired?

I have come to see that being in a prayer meeting amongst people pouring out their hearts before God is one of the most beautifully intimate experiences.
Sometimes the faith of others is so humbling to me. The humility which I feel is not an intimidated or belittled humility, but an inspired humility in awe of the bold fearlessness, the open-heartedness that I see before me.

I guess that I have had this idea tumbling around in my head for a couple of weeks, but didn't put it down like this till now. I hope the thought makes sense?